Society is basically heterosexist. You occasionally hear parents joke about their child’s future. ‘He could be a doctor, or a lawyer or a builder’, and add, ‘I don’t really care as long as he’s not gay.’ Trouble is, they are probably not joking. The prospect of launching any child into the adult world is daunting enough, without having to face the added dilemmas of a world hostile to anyone who is seen to be not conforming to sexual expectations. From the moment we are born, the assumption is made that we will be ’straight’. The future is framed in terms of ‘When you get married and ‘When you have children of your own …’ Let’s face it, the survival of the species depends on most of us having babies. Of course, that doesn’t mean society depends entirely on lifelong heterosexual relationships to produce children. Ask any gay parent.

So in a heterosexist environment, families don’t quite know how to cope with non-heterosexual members. That said, the reactions of family members will be as individual as the families themselves.

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The problem with the traditional concept of virginity is that it doesn’t allow for the spectrum of sexual pleasure that exists without intercourse. Because the emphasis is so strongly focused on the act of penetration, many don’t consider ‘outercourse’ to be ‘real sex’. That is the ‘If it’s not in, then it’s not on!’ attitude. Yet it can be a valid and satisfying option, given the language to talk about it and the skills and confidence to negotiate what’s okay for both partners. The important thing is to describe the activities and exactly what risks they might involve in specific terms, leaving no room for misunderstanding.

Saying no to intercourse can mean all sorts of things. It can mean ‘I’m not emotionally ready for intercourse yet’ or ‘I like you as a friend but I don’t ever want a sexual relationship with you’ or ‘I want to show you that I’m physically attracted to you but I don’t want you to get the wrong idea.’

The ’safe’ options will involve masturbating each other, body to body rubbing, tickling, massage, kissing, hugging, imagination and fantasy and using sex toys (like a vibrator), while avoiding any genital to genital contact.

It helps for each person to work out in advance ‘What’s okay for me … What’s okay for you … What do we both feel comfortable with?’ In the heat of the moment is a difficult time to have a rational discussion. It is extraordinary that most people find it more intimate and confronting to talk about sex than to do it. The old attitude ‘I close my eyes and it just happens’ is a recipe for disaster. Closed eyes and closed minds increase the casualties of the war of ignorance.

Knowing about the options is the first big step. Convincing a partner about what you want can be another thing. The key to this is caring enough about yourself to put your needs first, but that is not always easy. Society rewards selflessness and generosity. Charity workers are applauded. Military medals are presented to servicemen and -women who put the lives of others ahead of their own. You will never see a medal presentation for self-interest or self-preservation. Yet these are the very qualities that are vital to sexual health.

Sex education is evolving all the time. We have moved away from the ’sperm meets egg’ saga and there is more emphasis on the interactions of real people. However, over the years there has been an emphasis in sex education on saying no’ to sex, particularly where young people are concerned. Far short of addressing anything remotely resembling reality, this approach to sex education denies permission for young people to express the powerful sexual and emotional feelings they are experiencing. These feelings can be confusing at any age but simply telling someone to ignore them or to distract themselves or ‘Wait until you’re older’ is totally ineffective.

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Adolescence is a time to explore your limits, test your boundaries. Wherever a parent defines a boundary, it is the function of adolescence to stretch it. This is a necessary part of the process of learning about who you are, where you fit into the world, and what it is that makes you unique. Taking risks is part of that exploration, but when you get a combination of risk-taking and sexual curiosity, you have a dangerous cocktail. Volatile if you add ignorance to the mixture.

One adolescent health counsellor tells of a fourteen-year-old mother still mystified as to how she could possibly have become pregnant. ‘My mother told me not to sleep with a boy or I would get pregnant. I had never slept with him. We had only had sex in the back of the car.’

Studies around the world have looked at young people’s altitudes to safer sex. A condom manufacturer told me that their market research showed ninety percent of people aged sixteen to twenty-one knew that it was sensible to use condoms, yet in only thirty percent of sexual encounters did they actually use one. This begs the question, ‘Why?’ What factors come into play at the time of sexual activity that stand in the way or common sense? The answer is a complicated equation. The most often cited reason is this feeling of immortality, the ‘Nothing can happen to me!’ mentality. It

lakes a while to develop an understanding of consequences. ‘If I do this … then THIS will happen.’ This is compounded in times of economic uncertainty with high levels of unemployment. If a young person feels their prospects are hopeless, they will have no vision of themselves in the future. That being so, then their actions today don’t matter. They won’t care if they look after themselves or not.

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There is denial of abuse at all levels of society and, although it is painful to accept, it is a reality we need to own as a community before we can make any impression on it. It’s not ’somebody else’s problem’ and it’s not ‘up to the authorities to worry about’. It’s up to every one of us. There can be absolutely no doubt that silence about sexuality serves the needs of the adults who are perpetrators of child abuse, not the children who are their victims. Until recently it was never discussed, as if it just didn’t exist. To find the reasons for ignoring the problem we don’t need to look beyond the painful realities. To acknowledge sexual abuse means stirring up feelings of disgust, rage, guilt, insecurity, and fear — emotions most people would understandably avoid if only the stakes were not so high for the victims.

And the question also needs to be asked: What does the community have to gain by this silence? Why would society want to protect this secret for so long?

Part of the answer must lie in a general reluctance to talk about sexuality at all. At a deeper level, what we have come to learn about sexual abuse rocks the very foundation of our society because it challenges the functioning of the family unit. This is the unit that is supposed to nurture children, take care of their needs and prepare them for life as an adult. So it is astonishing that over eighty-five percent of cases of abuse occur where a child should be able to feel secure and protected: in or near their own home. It can be a single incident but they are usually repeated attacks that can go on for years whenever the child is accessible to the offender.

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Our first awareness of the pleasure of touch comes moments after we are pushed from the womb and placed at our mother’s breast. Tiny fumbling fingers explore its fullness and softness and our first experience of sensual pleasure is linked to our very survival. We can see the primitive power of physical contact in the way a crying baby settles when held and gently rocked. And so we are set on our journey of life, and the many landmarks we pass from that moment on will lead us to happiness and fulfillment or guilt and confusion.

In infancy and childhood, we’re busy little bodies, climbing trees, riding bikes, rollerskating, learning to swim and children’s minds are as adventurous as their bodies. They are naturally curious about everything in their world. From the time they start to talk they start asking questions. By the time they get to four or five, the questions can start to get a bit curly, and the way we respond to those questions will have a big impact on the way they see the world. If we have never talked openly with our own parents or peers, a child’s questions about sex can really rattle us.

Where small children are concerned, what we mean when we say ’sex education’ is really ‘preparation for sharing your life with people you care about’. The early observations a child makes about sexual closeness are the ones that some people lose sight of, or take for granted later on, and others never attain. Qualities like intimacy, playfulness, a sense of humor, respecting your partner’s opinions and autonomy, not stifling their independence … these form the true framework of mature and complete relationships.

Learning about sex is a lifelong process rather than a single event, and it is so vital to our emotional development. We say that in today’s world, because of AIDS, knowledge about sex is more important than ever. No more important I would have thought than when syphilis was rife before the days of antibiotics. As a diagnosis, it was just as devastating. The STD clinics were just as busy in the 1930s as they are today, and history is littered with the early deaths of some of the human race’s most talented people, victims of sexual ignorance or disregard of its risks. Yet still we have generations of people whose knowledge of sexuality is sketchy at best, and others who actively seek to keep our future generations in the dark.

I was astonished to hear the spokesperson of one religious group announcing on national television that the only thing young people needed to be told was to say ‘No’ until they are married, as if that were the solution. Reminds me of an ostrich sticking its head in the sand. The reality is that children need a lot of information before they get to the age of experimentation, but it needs to be given in bite-sized chunks; a comment here, a comment there … not one big ‘talk’ at the first sign of underarm hair.

But the earliest messages children get about their sexuality don’t need words at all. The way we handle sexual situations tells a child a lot about a parent’s attitudes.

What do you do when a four year old bounces into the bedroom when you and your partner are in the middle of a Sunday morning quickie? Do you utter some expletive and tell them to go out of the room? Do you stop and smile and say you are having a nice cuddle, and did they have a good sleep? How do you reply to a child who asks you in the middle of a crowded pharmacy why you bought colored condoms? It’s not so easy to plan your reactions to situations like this.

Many people tell me they never saw their parents show any signs of physical affection towards each other. No kisses goodbye, no hugs in front of the television. Seeing the way parents interact with each other is the most powerful influence. Do they listen to each other, do they really communicate? Do they show affection and mutual respect, or is there a power play with one parent constantly bullying the other? Some people tell me they remember, as children, how their fathers would criticize their mothers, denigrating their opinions or mocking their part-time jobs. Others tell me that they remember their mother calling their father a drunk, or a wimp, or a loser because his job wasn’t as good as she would have liked.

Introducing children to sexuality is quite involuntary. They watch and listen and react, and they learn from all they see. Sex education is as much about living as it is about loving.

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